i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
