why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
