dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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