I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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