My first STD was from a foam party
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
