Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Can Purell be used as lube?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
