Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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