Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
