someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
