There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
