Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
