Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
