I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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