im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
