Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
