Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
