And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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