There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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