remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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