My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
