I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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