I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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