when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
