well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The adults are the big ones right?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
