mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
