I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
