If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize