worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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