you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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