im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
