tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
