I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize