when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
