I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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