I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
