I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
