The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Randomize
