You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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