my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
i've created a new STD.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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