return my video game
my phone needs a breathalizer
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
