Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
