Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
