yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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