I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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