1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
