This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
