Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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