Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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