You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
my sisters under your porch take her home
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
