Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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