Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
