Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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