I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
