I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Pants are for mortals
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
