Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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