Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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