I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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