I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
