Got a toothbrush?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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