I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
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