Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
