I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
