I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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