He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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