Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
